fake grad school

While on a nighttime summer stroll with my good pal Kyle, we discovered something that will change our lives forever.

It begins with this inexplicable urge for people in their mid/late twenties to want to go to grad school (myself included). 

It's not that you particularly enjoy going to school, or that you think it's going to help you in your career, or that the subject matter is just so interesting to you (if it was, you'd be studying it on your own).

It's not even a practical reason, such as thinking you'll make more money in your future jobs (we all know that you might get a little more, but the cost of grad school + opportunity cost of not working for 2+ years more than offsets potential gains in most fields).

No, the real reason you want to go to grad school is...

...so you can tell people you're going to grad school.

Think about it. Sure, there are lots of little reasons. But understand that deep down inside, this is really the primary reason you want to go to grad school.

It's because you don't like working. Jobs generally aren't fun. Grad school sounds way more fun by comparison. But most importantly grad school is a "legit" thing to be doing with your time. When someone at a party tells you they're in grad school, you might say "Good for you!"

So here's an alternative:

Since you don't really want to go to grad school anyway, but you do want the perceived social status boost, and a mandate to not work for at least 2 years... why don't you just lie about it?

Seriously. Next time someone asks you what you do, just say "I'm in grad school." And then sit back and reap social acceptance.

Meanwhile, do whatever the hell you really want to do. Work your normal job. Or screw it, and quit. You've got at least two years to do whatever you want, and nobody can even say a thing about it, because you're going to grad school!

"Hey guess what best friend, remember when I took the GREs last summer? You don't? Well I did, and I also just got into grad school!"

"Hey mom and dad, guess what, I decided to go to grad school! And I got a full scholarship!"

Think about it. Nobody is going to check up on you. Nobody is going to think "Is this guy REALLY going to grad school?"

But just to be safe, always have a specific school in mind, and a field of study. Just in case there are any follow up questions. You should also probably wikipedia a few basic facts about your field.

Oh, and if you're ever in the same room with someone who goes to the "same" grad school as you, and he starts asking a few too many questions, such as "How come I never see you at grad school?" or "Who is your favorite teacher?"

The thing you have to do in this situation, and this is VERY important, you have to accuse him of being a fake grad student. It's absolutely essential that you be the one to do it first. Nobody will even think to question you after that.

And after that, he can't turn around and accuse you of being fake student, can he? He's going to look foolish, or just crazy. People will think he's desperately trying to shift the attention away from himself. And then you've won.

But you should probably leave the party fairly soon after that anyway.